I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
