so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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