he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
