bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
