Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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