just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
