worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
