Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
