So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
