the condom got lost in my hair
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
