i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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