bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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