I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
