WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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