This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
