I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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