Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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