Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
