the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
