i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
