I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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