oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
