i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
