I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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