dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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