dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
