Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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