ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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