I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
