he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
