It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
