Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
