apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
