I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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