It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
