remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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