kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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