Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
