When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
