I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
