Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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