Quick, to the slutcave!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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