y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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