I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
