I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
