He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Randomize
