I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i love accidental penises.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
