I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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