I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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