I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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