i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
